We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
