You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
