The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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