You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
