I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
