i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you had me at cake vodka
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
