I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize