Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
