My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
