Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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