ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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