I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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