How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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