Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
