my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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