Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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