I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
