Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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