so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
