Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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