I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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