Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
