my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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