if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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