I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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