I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize