Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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