dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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