watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
