i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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