I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
