on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize