My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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