Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
