Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
