you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
