my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize