I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
