I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
