No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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