Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
