Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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