OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
