I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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