Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
