Define "chronic" masturbator.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
