After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
