So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
