The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
