if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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