my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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