I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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