She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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