maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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