I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
