I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
