I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
