Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize