I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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