And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
