Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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