Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize