Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
