I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
