Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
