I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
