Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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